Five Secrets to Keeping Your Patience with Your Challenging Child

by Leslie Godwin, Career & Life Transition Coach

Maybe you have a “Tristan.”  He’s the three year-old who climbs onto the conveyer belt at the Costco checkout and grabs the plastic separator stick to sword-fight with the cashier.  In 13 years of working with families as a psychotherapist and three as a civilian -- a mother of what I’ve come to call my “spirited” child -- I’ve only met a few.  So when I meet the parents of a child who seems to be impersonating a young Jerry Lewis, it’s a relief to know I’m not alone and it’s not my fault that he can be more wild animal than human much of the time.

There are other types of challenging children.  Those who are so sensitive, they notice every tiny change in routine and every tag in their clothing.  And there are those who won’t eat their cereal if they can’t pour the milk themselves, even if much of it ends up on the table instead of in the bowl.  In her book Raising the Spirited Child, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka says, “The word that distinguishes spirited children from other children is more....  Spirited kids are the Super Balls in a room full of rubber balls.” [page 1]

A few things we parents of challenging or spirited children have in common are:

a. We wonder if it’s our fault that our child is struggling with issues other children don’t. 

b. Parents of less challenging children give us advice as if we’ve never heard of a time out.

c. Our lives are often more intense as we ride along on our child’s roller coaster car.

Here are some tips you may find helpful on your ride:

1. Discover what your child really needs from you ... and give it to him.  

This may include:

All of your attention.  Does your child grab your cell phone and threaten to flush it down the toilet when you’re checking your email?  He really may need that much attention, especially if he’s under four years-old.

Clear boundaries.  “You can only ride your bike to the first driveway, or else your bike gets a time out.”

Activity.  Many spirited children need to be physically tired out twice a day.

Places to go, people to see.  Tristan climbs the walls if he doesn’t have a certain amount of novelty in his environment and people to interact with (other than me, of course.)  So we spend a lot of time with his friends and at local parks.  

2. Conserve your energy

Unless you’re one of those annoying people who wakes up ready for anything on four hours of sleep and without a trip to Starbucks, you’ll need to be judicious about how your spend your energy.

Reassess what a clean-enough house looks like; that putting out some goldfish, chicken nuggets and juice boxes is kind of a dinner party; and that showers don’t necessarily happen every day.

The good news is that you’ll get back your clean house, dinner parties, daily showers and so much more in a few years.

3. Get psyched up for the new normal 

Did you just start a riveting conversation with a great mom you've been meaning to get to know, but your child needs to leave the playdate now?  Or maybe when you were growing up your family hosted an annual Thanksgiving feast that would make Martha Stewart envious.  And now they are looking to you to continue the tradition.    

How do you handle these and other tricky situations?  Here are some ways I’ve learned to make the right call even when encountering these challenges for the first time or in a public place.

I remind myself before I arrive at an event that I’ll probably have to either shadow my child to keep him from getting too wild, leave an event early even if I want to stay, and/or change my expectations of how we’ll spend our time depending on what my son is able to do and what gets his attention.  

I took him to his first hockey game recently.  My goal was for him to have a positive experience.  I would have loved to sit in my seat, rooting for my team and leaving at the end of the game.  Tristan did not get that memo, and although he sat in his seat for the dramatic introductions, he started losing his ability to focus during the Star Spangled Banner, and was drawing the attention of the usher about the time the puck was dropped because he was climbing the railing next to his seat.  

Someday we’ll sit in our seats and cheer on our team together, but he had a great time and can’t wait to go back.  According to my new criteria, that was a huge success.

 Use the best part of your day to get things done.  Kate, a mother of a spirited four year-old girl, is a “morning person.  If I plan around when I feel energetic, I’m up for anything.  But if I make the mistake of thinking that I can have a busy day and then take Anna out for dinner, we almost always end up leaving the restaurant with Anna in tears and me snapping at her to ‘grow up.’”

4. Let her know what you want her to do, then catch him being good.

It’s natural to fall into the trap of reprimanding troublesome behavior.  Our days with our spirited children often don’t go smoothly.  But one secret weapon we have in our arsenal is to let them know what we want them to do and praise them when they do it.  

Pam, a mom with a spirited four year-old who was diagnosed with a mild developmental issue, compares Hunter’s behavior to Winnie the Pooh characters.  “You feel like Tigger right now, all jumpy and excited.  Can you move your body slowly like Eeyore?” 

5. Love the one you're with

This is the secret that has helped me the most.  I was often at my wits’ end with my son, especially before he turned 18 months old.  It seemed that he was either bored and whining, or discovering something I didn’t want him to get into.  But once I started to see the upside of some of his traits and behavior, it was a huge relief.  

First, I started telling him that he has so much energy, he’s going to be a great daddy someday.  Then I realized that I love his curiosity and willingness to try new things.  And I really did start loving these traits, even though they wore me out.  Eventually, I could picture him at 25 years-old, entertaining close friends with humorous stories.  Or being a firefighter or Army Ranger, using his daring and ingenuity to help others.  

Being Tristan’s mother is far from my pre-mom mental pictures.  But like the other blessings in my life, it’s so much richer and more amazing that I could have imagined.

© Health Communications, Inc.

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